Ft. song by a band he showed me that I love; Anyway, Dear chat, the friend I've had a massive crush on for 2 years is talking about a new girl he's interested in and wont shut the fuck up and its sending me down a spiral lol. I hate being gay. How do you make sure you never gain interest in straight guys? I'd really like to know.
It kinda double sucks bc at some point I convinced myself there was mutual interest, or like potential for it. I knew the whole time how unlikely that was but ig an attractive guy gives me attention and I'm like head over heels immeditely. womp. I think it's bc I didn't get enough attention as a kid lol
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I say 'lol' but I'm actually so crushed by this it's not even funny. It's crazy how when you don't have a stable sense of self, something like this can just throw you entirely; Earlier today the self hatred spiral started with 'If I could've just been happy in the body I was given maybe it would've worked out' which is a wild thing to think- Yea?- Suddenly doubting your identity and person over a romantic interest? Especially as a grown adult, at almost fucking 24, that's lowkey embarassing, but I guess that's what BPD will do to you..

Writing this out has been theraputic actually. Fingers crossed he doesn't find ts, he knows my domain but I doubt he ever looks at it lol- Well, it wouldn't be so bad if this was how he found out ig.. I wanted to tell him all 2 years I've felt it, I just always assumed the reaction would be bad and he wouldn't wanna talk to me anymore. I want to tell him stil, not only bc then he'd probably not talk about the new girl to me, but then I'd at least get the concrete confirmation directly from him that there isn't and never was anything there. Tbh I think he already suspects it but doesn't wanna say anything bc something about approaching someone with 'Hey are you into me?' sounds a bit vain.